Today for the first time since August 2019 to a festival. That last festival then was Decibel Outdoor. And I was so full of fear. The whole weekend I walked around with panic attacks, while I tried to feel better with drugs. At that time that was no longer possible. It went from bad to worse. Pretty shitty when your only way to numb yourself and feel good no longer works.
In the meantime, we are almost three years further. And a whole lot of (transformation) processes.
I am currently also following the Teacher Course at Ariette Love. Among other things, we have a session every week. Yesterday, not entirely unexpectedly, it was on the theme of Addiction. Looking at and embracing the addiction on a deeper level. In it, I was able to gain clear insights into what programs are still playing on a deeper level in me. And that the addiction is still present in me in a form. Quite confronting to have that right in front of you, but at the same time enlightening. You can no longer ignore it when it is presented like that in front of you.
And then it is art to see which steps I have already taken. Where I come from and how incredibly I have grown. No matter how painful and confronting the addiction can be, then it is only a gift to be allowed to receive a deeper layer. Because that gives depth, growth and for me the most important; inner peace and freedom.
It teaches me directly that addiction can be deeply rooted in your being. And that if there is no alcohol or drugs involved, the addiction will move outward in other ways. It is a disease, dis-ease, that asks for healing. Interesting and painful. And then the invitation to be with it completely again.
And today of all days there is a festival on the program. Not for nothing of course. So I am writing this from the car, while we are driving to Mystic Garden. Exciting? Not really. I know that I am not who I was in August 2019. Curious? Yes, definitely.
Love,
Brian