Sometimes I just want to scream. Empty my head. Pull out all my thoughts. A continuous battle of yes and no. Tug of war from different sides. You have to do this. You have to do that. What are you going to do? What is it about? Do you have enough time? Does it fit into the schedule? A mind that just keeps on rattling on and on. A kind of error. The head just keeps on going. As if you are lying in bed after a day at a festival and you can still hear the music blasting. It makes you tired. It frustrates. It is bloody irritating. What do you do with it? It is out of balance. Disharmony has been created. Why does this happen? I don't know. How? What should I do with it? What will others think? Am I doing it right? Can I do it? Am I not too much? Do others think I am worth it? In fact, do I think I am worth it? It drives me crazy sometimes.
Fuck those control systems
I wrote about it recently. It is becoming more intense. From my current development I know that this is beautiful. The more it is on the surface, the closer I am. In a way I am also open to it. Let it come. Fuck those control systems that hold me back says the bold rebel, I am done with it. He would prefer to run away. Move. Far away. But if I know anything it is that you take everything with you when you run away, except the people you love. You leave them behind. So no that is not the answer. The loving rebel on the other hand is ready to analyze it completely. He is ready to face the control with courage and confidence. To embrace the panic. To look the fear deep in the eye. To just be with it. Whatever it is. To welcome it.
There are days of ultimate bliss and then suddenly Panic… Stress… Anxiety… Fear… Panic sometimes suddenly comes up like pooping lately. Tension. Heart palpitations. Anxiety throughout the body. I know. It has everything to do with ascension. All the shit is being shaken out. That is welcome. But if you don’t know it can seem life-threatening. Then you might think that there is something wrong with you. Ascending and deeper Spiritual Awakening is apparently not very pleasant. How scary that can feel. At least for the parts that feed on control.
Want to control everything
They are so used to wanting to grab everything my whole life. Wanting to control everything. All those expectations. Having to know everything. Because knowing gives a false sense of security. And where is the answer? Where is the solution? That of course lies in not knowing. Being completely okay with not knowing. Being completely okay with being alone. Being completely okay with the silence. And those moments are there too, but lately it's just panic in the body that I am allowed to inhabit during this incarnation.
It seems as if everything is thrown from the subconscious to the conscious. And often when something seems that way, it is that way. And there too I know again. I can handle this. Otherwise I won't get it on my plate. I am powerful. I am carried. I know. But when you are in the middle of it, it can sometimes seem so far away. Then the "simple" turning inward sometimes seems like a real challenge. Especially when your entire system is screaming to turn outward. To seek distraction. And sometimes it is not even about turning inward, but simply coming home in playfulness. Not taking it all so seriously, but just having fun. Letting go of all the "musts" and focusing on what is really important. And what is really important... Experiencing with a playful and curious view of everything that presents itself.
In process are
Yep, I am currently in a process. For a while now, but the universe is granting me breathing space. A process of enlightenment on deeper levels is underway. My inner view of the outside world is being overhauled. No longer looking outside through gray glasses, but through colorful glasses. I am being invited to stand deeper in Trust and Surrender. I am being invited to fully step into the not-knowing. And even though all my old programming and conditioning systems do not agree with it. I am looking at it. Let it come. I am ready for it.
And inside I feel proud. Proud of my process. Proud of my development. Proud that I look at it all and don't shy away from anything anymore. Proud that I'm doing it my way. Proud that I'm currently going through my own processes without guidance. And if I really can't figure it out, I get the support of my sweetheart. Who by the way is a really fantastic healer and also turns out to be a great medium. She keeps surprising me. Fantastic!
The beautiful and at the same time most frustrating thing about this process is that I have no say and at the same time I decide everything. I am allowed to step into the not-knowing and at the same time I am allowed to know what is going on in my energy system. I am allowed to live through the panic and at the same time know that everything is fine.
777 words at the moment
Another thing. I see synchronicity everywhere. But really everywhere. Everything flows into each other. I start to recognize the signals everywhere. Manifestations become reality faster. I continuously draw the same tarot cards. The sessions that I facilitate continuously connect to themes that are present in me. They also provide more depth each time. It is magical and sometimes terrifying for some parts. Like suddenly seeing more energies. Being able to perceive more shadows. Angels, light beings, aliens, guides, they are continuously present. It turns out that I have experienced fear of connecting with them all my life, but that they have been with me all this time to support me. Also in all the dark times that I have been allowed to experience. How loving is that?
Why am I writing this? Because I follow my intuition. I write and share what I feel and experience. Because I know it can be shared. Because I know there are others who will definitely recognize this. And with that I want to say. You are not alone. I am not alone. We are here together. We all have our processes. Even people who have been in the business for twenty years. We all have our lessons to learn. We are allowed to be vulnerable. We are allowed to open up. Be transparent. And as you may have seen me say more often lately. We are allowed to come home to ourselves, to who we really are.
Kiss,
Brian