Book “It could have ended differently”

It could have ended differently …

…is the story of a boy who completely lost himself in parties, drinking, drugs, relationships, work, friends and girlfriends. I lived a life in which I was miserable on the inside, but I didn't show that to the outside world at all. I lived a double life. Fortunately, I was a master at presenting myself to the outside world. I think the average person would just think that I was really happy and content. That mask was ideal. That mask was also necessary at the time. Otherwise I would never have been where I am now. In my entire system I feel that I was allowed to experience this. This is my experience. This is my journey. And now it's time for the other side of the coin. From fear to love. That is the journey I have made. To find all the answers within myself instead of always looking for them in the outside world. Focused inward. Daring to look at myself completely and standing up for who I really am. Regardless of what others think about it. It is a journey of discovering what self-love is, what integrity is, what magic actually exists in life. With this story it is time to take off the mask completely. And that is exciting, because that means that I am going to expose myself completely. Also to family, friends and others who are close to me. That means being vulnerable and daring to be. With confidence that this contributes to my own healing process and that I can inspire you and many others with it. A source of inspiration that it can be different. And no matter how bad you are in the shit, that there is always a way out. I will take you with me in my story of ultimate transformation. That means that I will also take you with me in the darkest parts of my life.

This is a story that summarizes the first twenty-eight years of my life. A story that has led to a life full of love and trust. A new life full of humor, connection and where I am completely ready for it. Ready to live. Ready to play. Ready to walk my path. Ready to embody my soul mission in its entirety. Ready to take on everything that comes my way. Nice or less nice. I now believe that everything happens for a reason. So do the lessons that I myself still have to learn. In the second part: the transformation journey by It could have ended differently I will give you the 21 secrets for a transformative, free and authentic life, so that you too can create your most beautiful authentic self.

I wish you a wonderful journey and a magical transformation process when you reach part two of it could have ended differently arrives. Part two can be scanned via a QR code. This gives you direct access to the E-book

Introduction

Fuck. There I am again. Where am I? What happened this time? I wake up on the couch and look at the clock. It is ten past seven in the morning on Sunday. I am in my own house. Hardstyle is still coming out of the speakers. The house smells of booze, smoke and sweat. The table is covered with bottles, I see some leftover cocaine and next to me on the couch is a bag of ketamine. Which is still half full. My first reaction after coming out of the coma is to immediately grab some more, but first I look around. Who is still there? I see that Ties, with his brother Rens, is still playing Call of Duty. As if it is completely normal that I am passed out next to them on the couch. I scramble up a bit and ask how long I have been gone? Where is everyone? Are those other guys still there? As I get up I see that someone is still smoking in the garden. Okay, check. So not everyone has left yet. Great. That means the party isn't over yet. But damn... What happened? "I think you took too much GHB again" I hear Ties say. At one point you got really hazy. You lay down on the couch and you were gone. What time was that then I hear myself say. About two hours ago Ties indicates. Most of them also went home around five o'clock. Only Kaj is still smoking in the garden.

With my hands in my hair I ask myself how this could have happened again. It is not the first time something like this has happened. It keeps happening to me. Over and over again. But oh well, what does it matter. What do I have to lose? Tomorrow is another day and it is still early. After some hesitation I grab the bag of ketamine. I take another big sniff, I walk outside and I light a cigarette. I only smoke at parties anyway so that is still possible now. My body is also full of stress so a little ketamine and a cigarette are all I could use now. Tomorrow I will hear all about what I have been up to. For me it is a black hole. The only nice thing about going out is that you no longer know what you have done. Thank goodness. Otherwise I would have been completely ashamed of myself. Somehow I also have the feeling that everyone is completely done with me. I myself would not feel well either if this kept happening. Luckily it was at home now, but that too has been different at times.

While I'm standing outside with Kaj he starts laughing and he also knows what time it is. I like Kaj. Sweet guy and always there for you. If he doesn't have to work he's always up for a party. "Go well Brian", I can still hear him say in my head. It's starting to get light again I see when I look at the sky. If I hadn't been so fucked up, I would have sworn it would have been a beautiful morning. But now I can only think that I'm a loser and that I let this happen again. I feel a bit uncomfortable now that I'm outside with Kaj and I grab my phone. Purely to find some distraction and not have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings. Thank goodness! No messages from people who were there that evening. At least I don't have to deal with that now. I'm starting to feel a bit better now that I'm outside with Kaj. Nice to get some fresh air. To what extent can you call it better when you are full of drugs, just come out of a GHB coma and then just continue. I feel better than ten minutes ago in any case. I don't want to sleep yet in any case. I just did that for two hours. Because I know how I'm going to feel tomorrow, it's actually already tomorrow. Super miserable again. Completely drained. I'll probably need a few days to recover. I know I have to work again on Monday, but who cares. I'm my own boss after all. There's no one checking up on me. If I wanted to, I could continue until Sunday evening and then we'll see on Monday. I recognize this pattern by now.

An internal discussion that the fleeing part of me often wins. After all, I have already lost everything that is dear to me and therefore I have nothing more to lose. At least… That's what I thought. It got even worse. I had to sink a little deeper before I was allowed to enter my new life.