It feels like I am reaching deeper layers of myself. I have been feeling absent for the past week. Just not here, so to speak. I know the feeling, because it has been happening more often for the past three months. Then it is there again and then it ebbs away again. Everything costs energy. Things quickly become too much. And actually I have known the feeling for a much longer time. During the period of partying, drinking and drug use I had all these feelings. The feeling of not being present in combination with wanting peace, wanting to be in silence, wanting to be alone, a desire to go within. I have always suppressed that, put it away again by just carrying on. Carrying on with work, carrying on with daily life. Only it is coming back more and more present and the underlying emotions are also more palpable. Feelings of sadness, loneliness, absence and pain. I find it a challenge to give in to this, because I do not want to disappoint people. Always wanting to meet the expectations of others and in doing so, passing myself by. And I am aware of this. I know that it is playing a role. I've done a lot of work on it, but I keep going a layer deeper. The deeper I go, the more it seems to hurt. The deeper I go, the more challenging it is to not give in to it anymore.🔁 Downshift and distance 🔁
Somewhere I still feel fear, because there is the fear of running away again, while I don't want that anymore. I want to face it, but maybe I can face it by seeking out being alone. To slow down and distance myself from everything. That hurts, because I am used to always going on. Now that is just not possible anymore. The periods follow each other more quickly. That is why I have decided to be alone for a while. Away from Terra Nova for a few weeks. The processes of the past year have been beautiful and intense. It has given me so much, but at the moment I do not feel the gratitude and I am simply unable to be present. I feel unstable and as if I am on the verge of a breakdown. That is why I really have to listen to the signals from my system and investigate that completely. I am also currently unable to be in this beautiful place with attention and that is what it deserves. I walk around, but I am not actually there. In fits and starts I can really enjoy it, but most of the time I am simply no longer present. That also hurts, but they are signals.
🗺 A journey alone 🗺
Next weekend I will therefore leave for a few weeks. First a week alone in a house four hours drive north, wonderfully alone in nature. Then to the Netherlands for an Ayahuasca ceremony and then three weeks of traveling alone. The idea is to go to the Ardennes, but I will let it open and just happen. Just disconnect from everything. Meditate a lot and connect with nature. Explore my inner world. What is going on inside me? Am I running away? What do the feelings of emptiness and loneliness tell me? What do I need now on my path? What is the sadness that I experience every time? Why do I have such a need for silence and rest? I feel that it is necessary... And who knows what it will bring me. My intention for now is to be back here for the mountain retreat on August 30. I believe with many answers, insights, more strength and presence.
In love. Aho! 🐺💚