Uncertainty… 😞
Today I feel sad. Actually for a few days now. Sadness that results in no motivation, not to train and not to meditate. Even work is difficult. Something that triggers an immediate feeling of self-rejection. And that makes me feel vulnerable. Because this results directly in self-disapproval. I can still handle not meditating for a while. I know what I miss if I don't start my morning with it. On the other hand, I also completed a 100-day meditation challenge and stopped at 107 days. I can be proud of that. Only this seems to fade into the background so quickly. Not training, on the other hand, affects me more. My body feels weak then. It makes me insecure. During the day I secretly check every now and then whether I'm not getting a belly yet. Vulnerable, because I never share this except with Esther.
Yeah I know. SUPER STUPID!!🤯
Super stupid that I am suddenly confronted with this. I know that I do not need to experience an attachment to my physical body like this, but something in me has always used my body as an anchor point for Trust. If I looked good physically, I felt more confident. Now I am invited to also be in love with my physical body when I am not training. And then I feel stupid, because to many people I probably have a beautiful body. For me it often does not feel that way. Training and even injecting myself with anabolics was a mechanism of mine for years to feel good about myself. An illusion, I know. I think that as people we are good at fooling ourselves and pretending that we are certain or in Trust about something. An invitation from the universe to also let go of the attachment to my physical body. An invitation to get to know my physical body better and to be in love with it.
SHIFTING ENERGIES 🔥
The Mystery School set a lot in motion in my system last weekend. My intention is already being answered. To surrender, to serve the greater whole, to be present and to bring love, joy and playfulness to/into the world. I know what I am asking for. The profound processes last weekend have shifted everything. It feels as if I am allowed to reinvent myself. And that has been the case since I made the choice to step into freedom and to live only from my heart. To only do what my passions and desires are for. I realized that this also requires Trust, Power and a certain Surrender. With this realization, fear also arose. How am I going to do this? What is freedom for me? How am I going to integrate freedom into my current life? And what does that mean for everything that is happening in my life now? Will that be lost? Am I going to lose things? Will the universe support me financially? Will I stay with Terra Nova? Which activities still suit me and which no longer? I have had the necessary headaches about it. And still, because now that I have made the choice to return to the Netherlands in December, there is still uncertainty.
And all the signals and indicators indicate that I don't have to worry for a second. That everything has already been arranged. The day before yesterday I pulled a tarot card with Strength on it with the text (summarized) that I will come into my power even more in the coming period because of all the difficulties and challenges in my life now. In a more extensive reading I pulled letting go, the new stepping in, being carried, Trust, abundance, heart connection, wisdom, surrender and more being able to play. I will summarize it in key words. With these words you would think that everything will be fine. That it is already fine. And yet I feel sadness.
Receive and trust 🤷♂️
No idea what I am allowed to do now and I may embrace that not knowing. I have always wanted to control everything and now I may completely let go of control. I may stand in surrender and Trust. I may receive and let everything unfold. Trust that I will automatically start training again. Trust that I will simply start meditating again. Trust that all my desires and passions will be fulfilled when I step into the depths. And that is already happening. My sessions with my own clients, the reiki treatments that I want to give in the Netherlands again, my book that is with the proofreaders, the creation of The Movement where we will organize shamanic breathing evenings/afternoons, recording the podcasts, Aim your Arrow workshop that I created together with Esther and of which the first workshop is already full with 8 people and the second half full, the retreats at Terra Nova, a day of guiding at the Switch weekend, and who knows what else is emerging.
And I can imagine that you think what wonderful developments when you read this. And I agree. And it is. I am super grateful for what is emerging and what I have been allowed to receive in the past year. I am increasingly becoming a servant who works for the greater whole. I no longer work for an organization, under someone or within a system. I am employed for the greater good. And that means that I may look at all the layers in between, feel them and transform them where necessary. And fortunately I have the necessary transformation techniques and methods for that. Heavy and shitty every now and then, but a deeper knowing that tells me that it is okay and that it will all unfold.
As long as I keep focusing on love everything will be fine and everything is already fine 💛