Wow!! The Cathar castle of Puivert felt like coming home! And at the same time I felt the pain, nausea and sadness in the run-up to the visit of the castle. Every minute we came closer these feelings became stronger and stronger…
It started in the morning. I asked myself the question: where can we go today? The castle of Puivert immediately came up. But something inside me blocked. I decided not to listen to the inner voice and to drive to Fontaine des Amours near Rennes-les-Bains. Not knowing that we would never arrive there.
The energy clearly had something else in mind. We decided to have a coffee and something to eat in Rennes-les-Bains first. A place I have fond memories of, but this time the atmosphere was grim.
It started with us “not being seen” on the terrace. Eating was not possible so we could only drink a cup of coffee. There on the terrace walked a clearly French man clearly under the influence, arguing with everyone. Screaming, taking food from people's tables, arguing with a man in a wheelchair, confronting others. Ready to fight. As if the man had been taken over by darkness.
We quickly finished our coffee and decided to leave. Still chatting about the best man, we got in the car and drove away. Whereupon we meet the best man again, walking in the middle of the road. He stops in front of our car, walks past and sticks up his middle finger. Whereupon I roll down the window in frustration and shout "idiot" at the man.
We drove away, looking for another place to get something to eat, before we would drive to the fountain of love…
In the meantime I ask myself why this is happening. Everything is now a reflection of your inner world. Whereupon I only get the whisper: go to Puivert castle. You should not be here today.
After trying every possible way not to go to the castle, I had no choice but to give in.
Es, I think we really need to go to the castle.. it's been rising since early morning. And that ceremony we had in mind here.. I haven't really felt it all day. It started with the card I pulled this morning, where I got the message that the road would be blocked. I believe I can really listen to my inner voice now.
Esther agreed to this.
The drive to the Cathar castle was no fun. Nausea, frustration, sadness and restlessness. I felt myself getting worse by the minute. Eventually Esther had to take over the steering wheel from me, because I could no longer focus on the road.
I think I died in this castle Es… I feel this so strongly. Something happened here.
After a long drive, or so it felt, we arrived at the castle. At first we also drove into a much too narrow, dead-end street. Which meant I had to get behind the wheel again to get the car out. And we were advised by local residents to park at the cemetery (how appropriate).
I see the climb up and think f**k it… it must be good for something now. All the emotions that are still raging through my body get worse. Halfway through the hike I start to purge energetically. I see Esther walking past me and think yup… I apparently have to do this alone. I look at Milo and see him looking at me. With a look like it will be okay. You can do this.
The journey continues upwards. We arrive at the castle and I feel the recognition immediately. A part of me has come home. I feel moved. Energetically, all sorts of things are still happening. Memories come up.
We buy a ticket and enter the castle, or at least what is left of it. I see images of how it must have looked in the past. Lively and powerful.
We enter a part of the castle that survived the attack of the church. We walk down a staircase and enter a room. In that room is a large round table with six chairs. Even though it is cordoned off, I feel that I am allowed to sit at the table.
The moment I sit down I feel my eyes closing. As if I am sitting at this table again. It feels as if I am in battle, fighting the attack that is aimed at our faith. Somewhere I already know that we are not going to win this, but that I will not give up the fight.
It is at this table that I feel sorrow for all people, for the Cathars and for the faith in me. “They can kill us, but our true faith never ends.” Somewhere I also sense an energy of the Templars.
I cough, I splutter, stomach cramps, I shake and images and insights pass by while I am still sitting at the table. Images of struggle keep coming.
I notice that this can go on for ages if I don’t find peace with the inner man in me. Feelings of “I can’t anymore” and “I don’t want to anymore” have been building up since the climb up.
It is at that same table where I make the decision on a deeper level to stop fighting. I decide to choose love again.
The man in me doesn’t have to fight anymore. It can surrender. I see that same “crazy guy” from Rennes-les-Bains appear before me again. And this time I could only feel that he was mirroring this eternal fight, whereupon I decide to look at him with love.
Everything softens…
On the way down I notice that everything I experienced that thought is gone. There is peace, relaxation and acceptance. There is no more struggle.
I reflect in the car with Esther and something has become very clear to me… listen to the inner whisper. Don’t push it away. I am being guided.
And it is so clear that the field moves along and that we are the field. It is so clear that when something is meant to happen, everything is set in motion to make it happen. Everything is a reflection and there are constant signposts within ourselves and outside of ourselves.
The other insight is that I may sink more and more into love and surrender. Choose love again and again and embrace it. Come more and more into peace.
We are divinely sent.
Love,
Brian