Not even an hour later I was sitting with my nose in the powder, smoking a cigarette, there was booze on the table and I was filling the night with porn. I was looking for distraction after distraction. Anything to numb the pain. I kept checking my phone to see if Marit had sent anything back.
And every time I got that slap in my face again. It hurt.
Because of all the stimulants in my blood I obviously didn't sleep at all. As a result I felt even worse the next day. I quickly decided to call the dealer again. I didn't have the energy to make healthy vegetarian food, so I quickly ended up with a greasy Döner sandwich in my mouth. I was using and numbing all Tuesday. Alternating between snorting, drinking with series and watching porn. Scrolling through social media, playing games on my mobile.
On Wednesday it happened again. On Thursday it continued. Ties did notice it, but he thought: he's processing. I'll leave him for a while. At night I ended up in a completely different dimension because of all the drugs. Especially because of the combination of all the different drugs and the use of 3MMC. As I said before, with the right dosage you start hallucinating a lot. That resulted in me ending up in countries of shamans. That I ended up in the worlds of Vikings. That I was just sitting somewhere in the wall of a street; I could see people walking, while they couldn't see me. I could go anywhere, but I had no control over it.
My escape behavior became more interesting there. I entered other worlds. I was simply not on earth anymore. It all came to me and I enjoyed it. I didn't need to be on earth. As long as I didn't have to feel the pain. I smoked like a chimney.
As expected, I started feeling worse every day. I got more anxious. I was afraid my heart would stop. I got panic attacks. Especially when the alcohol and drugs were gone…
A piece from “It could have ended differently”. A journey that ultimately leads to awakening and coming home to yourself.
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Together we create heaven on earth,
Love,