Have faith and believe in yourself. That is what I said to myself today when I woke up. The past few days have been quite intense. I have ended up in deeper layers of addiction and escape behavior that I have in the Netherlands. Not that I was addicted to a substance, but to numbing painful feelings. Not having to feel it and suppressing the pain, restlessness and fear. And now the last few days I feel that restless feeling in my body again and it tries to control me. It tries to keep me in that fear. In the Netherlands I could numb that feeling, avoid it, run away from it. Not that this would solve anything, but it did take away the pain. Here on Terra Nova, however, that is not possible and I do not want to run away from it anymore. I do not want to fight it anymore, although it still feels that way sometimes. I feel that underneath the escape behavior, underneath wanting to get away and shoot out of my body, there is something beautiful. There is joy, there is love, there is Trust in who I may be and in what I can do. There is Trust in working with my gifts, my light and love. There is Trust in my soft power. Trust that I do not abuse my powers in this life, but use them to spread light and love.
✨ Surrender in Vulnerability ✨
And then I'm here again. Early in the morning on the couch, vulnerable to write this blog article. Thinking about what others would think of it. Doubts about sharing and I feel like a soft-boiled egg. Only I feel and know how important it is to share this. I feel that it contributes to my own healing. And if I can help even one person with this message then it's worth it. Vulnerability is the answer here, for me at least. Being vulnerable by showing yourself as you are. Your good and bad sides. Your joy, your sadness, your anger, your pain. It's the emotions that make you human and it's the same emotions that teach us lessons. Emotions tell us something. Sometimes a single sentence, sometimes in a whole story. And sometimes... Sometimes they go pretty deep. You think you feel one thing and then there's a completely different feeling underneath. As we often see that underneath anger there's sadness.
☀️ Healing is underway ☀️
And what can you do with those emotions and what do I do now in this case of restless feelings? As I see it, Vulnerability means that you show yourself in all facets of your life without the influence and judgments of others having an influence on it. In my eyes, vulnerability also means acknowledging what you feel. Acknowledging your own emotions and thoughts, no matter how beautiful or destructive they are. Acknowledging and letting it be there. Feeling it and sending love to it. And that takes some getting used to, that costs me energy, that is sometimes painful and at the same time that is also completely okay. You may already notice many different emotions and feelings. I would prefer to do a session and release it, but does that solve it? Isn't that also a feeling of numbing and avoiding it?
🧘🏼♂️ Learning to feel my body 🧘🏼♂️
I still experience the answer to the above questions as a challenge, while I will find the answer when I go inside. It can go both ways. If the unrest and all the associated emotions are so on the surface, then it may be transformed. Then it wants to be felt and seen. Emotions are signals and they are there for a reason. But in this case I feel that I do not want to release, then it would be to be rid of it. And that does not feel okay. That feels like a temporary band-aid, because I know that it will then come back to be seen and felt. A session to go more in depth for answers does feel okay, by the way. So I am allowed to feel. I am allowed to feel what my system needs. I am allowed to feel that I can Trust that. I am allowed to feel and experience what this wants to tell me, what the message is. And for now I do not know that yet. I know what is underneath, and I also feel that this will give such a beautiful boost to my strength and trust, in softness and love this time. And I feel that this part wants to be healed. It teaches me so much. Not only about my own body and its power. It also teaches me to ground myself, to stay in my body and to deal with escape behavior. It teaches me to see that emotions come and go and that I am not them. While writing this message I have already felt so many emotions and had so many thoughts and they have all passed.
🤸♀️ Trust in your own system 🤸
That is why it is now feeling and deciding. Trusting in what I feel is right at this moment. Trusting that I make the right decisions. Trusting that the inspirations and whisperings that I get are right. Trusting that my feeling does indicate what is going on and what is playing. Trusting that I can handle this. Trusting that I can handle the change and go through it in love, light and softness. Trusting that I no longer have to run away and numb. I may completely trust and surrender with my own system. I may trust that my past was and is there to teach me something. I may embrace the past and all the pieces. Let go of regret and guilt and transform it. Without all the events I would not have been where I am now. Without those events I might not have had this beautiful life now. So I am grateful. Grateful for all the moments, no matter how beautiful, loving, painful or intense they may be. They are there for a very important reason!
Aho! 💚🦅