I am losing everything and everyone. That sounds pretty intense, violent and penetrating when you read the words. Read them again and feel what it does to you. For me, these words became reality very quickly. They transformed into “I am losing everything and everyone”. And that hurt so much…
In my previous blog post this week I wrote about how my first pill at a festival quickly escalated into years of drug use. I completely lost myself in the festivals and the associated drugs. Eventually it had to get to the point where I almost drove myself into the crash barrier under the influence of GHB and ketamine. Pretty intense.
But you don't just lose yourself to festivals and drugs. There is something to it. The ten years I went to festivals I had no idea. I think that to most people I was just a normal guy with a smile on his face. At least in my early twenties. I studied at the Hogeschool van Amsterdam, I was crazy about sports and football, I always worked and I went to my friends in the weekend. Sounds pretty normal, right? At least I think so.
Only there was a lot going on under the surface that I didn't show to the outside world. I felt alone. I often felt rejected. I was incredibly afraid of losing people. And that made me jealous. On top of that, I quickly made things difficult for myself through my extreme drug use. Which I of course started to lie about. Because imagine if people knew… Imagine if your friends knew… Imagine if your girlfriend knew… Then it could very well be that they would leave you.
And being abandoned… That was my worst nightmare. Being left alone at home with pain that I didn't know where it came from was my worst nightmare. And of course it always became reality.
I lost group after group of friends. Relationship after relationship failed. And I can't blame them. I was destructive and I did everything I could to avoid my own pain.
A group of friends, after I had ended up in the first aid room again after using too much GHB, offered me the following choice at a weekend festival (Intents Festival): 1) you go home now and you still have a chance that we will remain your friends or 2) you stay here at the festival and you will lose us.
What they didn't realize (I think) at that moment is that they were confronting me with my biggest fear. I had just gotten out of a destructive relationship with a woman I had been living with and I was living on my own. Festivals and drugs were all I had at that moment. And they sent me home, straight to my worst nightmare. Of course, at that moment I chose to stay at that festival. I felt like I had no other choice. I was dying because of that choice, but I was stuck.
A year later, the near-accident under the influence of GHB followed. And after those ten long years of festivals, drinking, drugs and relationships, I was exhausted. I just couldn't do it anymore. As a result, I ended up at home after all. Alone, of course. It was at that moment that I could do nothing else than surrender to what was to come.
What followed first was six months of intensive drug use at home, during which I tried everything to get out. Meditation, mindset training, weekends with my parents, focus on nutrition and sports. But the drugs won all that time.
Why? Because the pain that was under the anesthesia was still not resolved. And that pain started to scream louder and louder. And believe me… I did a lot to avoid it. I even stood in front of the gates of heaven under the influence of GHB and I saw that I was sent back, because it wasn't my time yet.
I was very much on my way to leaving this life, but still something kept me here. Something bigger, because apparently I still have something to do here.
After this half year had passed, I came into contact with a transformative retreat center where I would go for a week. This is where I came into contact with the holistic way of workingInner child work, transformative protocols, regression & reincarnation therapy, deeper forms of meditation and breathwork.
The holistic approach opened my world
A world opened up for me. It gave me hope. It gave me a feeling of coming home. Call it a spiritual awakening, but not quite, because I always had an interest in the unknown. Because the life I was living, it couldn't be like that? There had to be more?
And there was more.. After that week I fully immersed myself in the world of transformation. At first, of course, it was a new high, but that's okay. That new high gave me the power to explore my own pain. I dived into all the layers and saw that it was safe to go inside. From that moment on, there was only one way for me and that is the way inside. Back in connection with my essence. Time to come home. That became my slogan.
And that pain that I was just talking about… that I had been pushing away all this time, of course, came up. What was it? I am a single born twin. That is something I never knew, but was allowed to experience in a regression session. It was in that moment that all my pain melted away. The desire for numbing disappeared and I was born again. All the puzzle pieces fell into place and I came more home to myself. I suddenly saw so clearly what I had been doing all those years. And in that moment I let go…
Three years have passed and I can now call myself a specialist in the field of transformation. It has become my life path. And I enjoy the layering of processes. Peeling away each time and coming home more. Embracing more and more that wholeness in myself. Me with all my pieces and parts. They may all be there (more and more).
And do you know what might be the most beautiful gift of all? That beautiful connection with the Christ Light that I experience within me. The path within, back in connection with the Sacred Heart and that the same path within ensures that the outside world automatically changes. As within, so without. I feel carried by the Divine.
Life is so beautiful. Life is so magical. I will continue to raise my frequency of love and light, so that others can see this light as a lighthouse. And know… Up there on that mountain.. There is the light. And no matter how dark it is, that light always shines and that is where I may go. That is my path.
Love,
Brian
Brian
Would you like to read my whole story and/or get started with the methods that I have managed to embody over the past few years and am now passing on? Then read my first book “It could have ended differently”.