What a lot can change in a short time. And what an incredible amount can happen in a short time. Almost two years ago I just came back from my first transformation retreat. A world opened up for me. This was my home. This is what I had been missing all this time. What I had been longing for all this time. Not knowing what would happen in the next two years, but I knew one thing for sure. This is my path. And I am allowed to walk this path.
I had no other choice. This was it, otherwise I would probably have missed too many turns and it would have been over. There is a big chance that I would have lost myself even deeper in festivals, drugs and alcohol. Who knows how that would have ended. I have had that feeling more often in the past year. That that transformation retreat in early February 2020 was my last chance for awakening and renewal.
It was the beginning of a beautiful transformative journey. The beginning of now and this time really looking at my own pain points. No more talking around it, but just doing it. I was allowed to experience intense periods in that. Periods of deep transformation and healing. In which I was allowed to experience the necessary pain.
In which I was allowed to learn the necessary lessons. In which I was allowed to make choices that were really not always easy. Where every now and then I ran into my own ego. I decided for the first time in my life to choose myself completely. And there I also encountered my dark sides. Understandable, but not always easy. Deep fears of rejection kept coming up. Always a deeper layer. In order not to be rejected, I had also built my necessary protection mechanisms like a wall around me. Lying and manipulation. Often also on an unconscious level that I did not even realize it myself. Being confronted with that hurt.
Only by going through this process do I dare to say that I am becoming more and more authentic. I no longer want to be someone else. I need my own BEING. To just be myself. To finally embrace the loving rebel in me. To embrace that I often feel different from others, even in the company of like-minded people. It is becoming more and more okay. To this day, I get to know my own system even better every day. Self-realization has no longer become a goal in life, it is a way of life. Just like love and BEING have become.
My inner house is falling apart
Right now I am in perhaps the most beautiful, but also most painful transformation of my life. From everything will be fine to everything is already fine. Letting go of all control. Through all the bullshit. Being that pure, clean flower inside. From always wanting to know everything to not knowing. Coming Home In the NOW. My inner house is breaking. I have been feeling it for a while. This is also the first time I am writing about it so openly. And I thought I only wanted to write a story about yesterday's Coming Home One-Day-Retreat. My stories, words and texts always go somewhere else and it always surprises me what comes out. It is not important that it goes somewhere else and at the same time it is super important. Because so much of me has been put into this day. That is why Coming Home is so close. That it is very vulnerable at the same time to bring it out in the open.
Everything I have encountered in the past two years, I have brought back together with Esther's journey to what it is all about. Coming home. Coming home to yourself. Coming home to the NOW. Coming home to BEING. And that I was able to share this yesterday with nine beautiful people and also facilitate it together with my dear friend is truly such a gift.
I feel so incredibly and fucking grateful. I could never have imagined that two years ago. I could have only dreamed of it. And this is what I want for you too. What warms my heart. And that energy. That energy… I put that energy with soul and passion into everything I do.
So, are you coming too? Do you want to be there? Will you join us next time? There are still so many places available. No, just not right now. It's okay. The people who want to join will find it. My energy is open. Ready to receive and ready to give. I am ready for the world and I think the world is ready for what I am going to give.
Here I am <3