The past few days I have been confronted with an intense uncertainty. For a while now I have known that this uncertainty is inside me, but I did not dare to really connect with it…
Sometimes it may seem easy that I make myself so public and visible, but I don't always do that, because it comes so easily to me. I know that this is my Soul Mission and that everything I am doing at this moment is simply my job in this life. It is my job to spread the light, to be a source of light for others, to show that it can be different. And at this moment I am being prepared on all levels to stand in my greatness, so that I can guide others to also stand in their greatness.
I know that people are triggered by me consciously or unconsciously. Not everyone understands it. And that is not necessary. Often I do not even realize it, because I am just myself. It is in my energy field that consists of transformation. It is my power to cause a stir. To lovingly knock down existing houses. It happens unconsciously that people are confronted with themselves and that processes are activated by being with me or working together. It is a power and a gift, but at the same time a burden for those who do not understand it.
I am now more and more okay with that. I see what is happening in the energy and that this is allowed to happen.
But it is an illusion to think that all this will be so easy. This year, despite a lot of resistance, I have made myself more visible. It is a calling from within to do this and not so much because Brian's ego wants it so badly.
In fact… Brian's ego prefers to stay out of the picture, hiding insecurely in a corner and hiding itself.
I now also know that this is not the solution and not the intention. That is what I did for the first 28 years of my life.
And then I hear people say that I come across as so calm, relaxed, powerful and confident when I am on stage or giving workshops and retreats.
I can also tell you in all vulnerability and honesty that in the run-up to it there is still tension and uncertainty. That this then disappears in the moment itself is a blessing that I have received, because I can increasingly surrender myself completely to what may happen through me.
But that doesn't mean everything in my life is easy. Life is becoming more and more effortless, but that doesn't mean there aren't challenges and that I don't carry insecurities with me.
A little less than two weeks ago, during a workshop in a set-up at the Free Man Festival, I was completely confronted with my own insecurity. Phew.. That was just as intense. Suddenly it was right in front of me. Especially the judgments I had on it came in. That it wasn't allowed to be there.
At that moment I decided that I was going to see and embrace my insecurity. That it may be part of me, so that it can heal within me.
Just the last few days.. Man… I want to hide. I want to be alone. I want to shut myself off. I feel pain. I feel sadness. I feel insecure about everything.
And of course that is mirrored in the outside world. It is mirrored in the contacts with other people, in the trajectories that I guide, in the interactions that I have and even in my mission on earth. As if everything stands still and is about healing and embracing this uncertainty.
A deeply insecure part of me is now fully coming to the surface. Which I am grateful for. I see the invitation. I feel the lessons. But damn.. It really isn't nice. I notice that because of this I want to shoot in my head all the time and as a kind of mechanism I start making up stories. I start thinking up scenarios.
In those moments I keep going back to my body. I tell myself that it is allowed to be there. That it is safe to feel. That I may integrate this. In this case it is not transforming, so that it is gone. It is embracing it in its totality, so that strength and confidence arise within it.
It may happen with a lot of love, connection and softness. And tomorrow I will do my first sweat lodge ceremony. Friday I will receive the medicine of the kambo frog. I feel that it may be soft. That there may be discharge. That this part of me asks for integration. And the only thing I have to do in return is turn inward. It is always that simple. Go within. There always lies the solution.
I know that my intentions are pure and clean. That I am here to bring change. That I consciously/unconsciously trigger and invite people to be the most authentic version of themselves, so that they stand in their light. That I am here to create heaven on earth for myself and for others. And that I am a connector from the essence.
But no, dear people. It's not always easy when you want to stand in your own power and greatness. This means that you may embrace yourself in its entirety. That takes courage. And it's not easy either when you get everything mirrored in the outside world.
One advantage is that you can no longer avoid it. Another advantage is that it is so on the surface that it can finally be felt more easily.
But there is one thing we have to do. When something presents itself, we have to be with it. After all, we created it ourselves. It is our creation.
And unfortunately it still happens too often that many people then mirror this to the outside world. It is the other person's fault and not our own. No.. It is never the other person's fault. Everything that happens in your life happens in you. It plays in you.
So the next time you judge someone, know that this is happening inside you.
So the next time you see sadness in someone and you don't want to connect with it, know that this is happening inside you.
So the next time you disapprove of someone for their behavior, know that you are also disapproving of it in yourself. That you are hiding something.
So the next time someone triggers you like crazy, know that this also says something about you and that this is happening in your inner world.
Everything is so within, so without, remember?
And when you see happiness, joy, love, harmony and all those other beautiful emotions in someone. Yes.. Know that this is happening in you.
Because it always works both ways and you are all-encompassing💚
Written from a connection with my insecurity, and the respect I am creating for it, because that too is creating heaven on earth together. Everything in you and in me may be there.
Love,
Brian