Trust, fear, love, flight behavior, enthusiasm, drive and sadness. It has been alternating continuously in the last period. One day I feel fantastic, the next day I prefer to lock myself up. It feels like my entire system is shifting, since I made the choice to be completely honest with myself. It is beautiful and feels good to want to be completely honest with yourself, but then it sets all kinds of processes in motion. Because once that choice is made, it is tested. You are confronted with it by the outside world. Do I agree with what he or she says and how do I deal with that now? Is it honest towards myself if I make a certain choice? What is the next step that I may take with regard to my soul mission, creating the New Earth? And is how I react, is the choice that I make authentic or is this from an inauthentic part of myself? All those emotions do make me realize that I am alive.
🌪 Choosing to be honest is very different from actually being honest with yourself 
It has been driving me quite crazy at times in recent weeks, but it is welcome. The chaos that is arising is part of my process. I am very happy that I now take more than an hour and a half every morning to start the day myself. Completely in my own space, in my own field. First 45 minutes of Vipassana meditation, starting with a body scan. Establishing my own field. Then journaling to end with prayers. This really feels like self-love. I notice that I get a bit emotional myself now, because I allow myself this. I did not find it easy to indicate that I needed this, while the rest of the team here at Terra Nova has an hour of yoga and meditation together at 6:30. But from integrity towards myself and self-love, this is what I need now. I also feel in my system that I want to continue to choose this. Feeling what I need. I also notice more and more that this works for my system. I cannot give to others, facilitate others or create the New Earth if I do not put myself first first. Then I pass myself by and lose connection.
I also notice that being alone with my own being gives many answers in the chaos. I experience more clarity, confidence and I get more inspirations. I also become more creative from it. It sets a foundation for the day that I now experience as sacred. And in a way I do find it a challenge, because what if this is just necessary for me every day? That my system asks for this, the time alone early in the morning instead of starting with a group? Then that would mean that I no longer choose to do communal yoga and meditation every morning, at least not every morning, but only when my system asks for it. And how will the team react to that? Is that encouraged? Is that disapproved of? Do I feel rejected then? Those are questions that go through my head. The mind has all sorts of opinions about that and the ego also loves it. In any case, it is all very interesting and it is all information.
Yesterday I channeled my guide Jean. Beautiful, gentle and energetic man by the way, just in between. He also told me that the process I am in now is all about self-love and integrity. Standing up for who I am, what I want and what I need. And that it doesn't matter what choices I make, as long as they are out of self-love and integrity to myself. Whether I choose to go on a trip, to go to Hawaii, to stay on Terra Nova, to stay alone somewhere in the forest for a while and whether I want to continue working or not. It doesn't matter, as long as it is a choice made out of self-love and authenticity. Then it is in line with my path. And what I am allowed to put down here on earth will happen anyway. Via path A, path B or path Z. Wise man, my guide, if I may say so myself. Inside I feel that my confidence is growing. For the first time in my life I also experience confidence in creating abundance.
✍️ Next week is my writing week ✍️
Next week I have planned my writing week. For five days in a row I will only write on my book. I find it exciting, because the other part of the book, which I have already written, is about methods that contributed to my awakening process. These are 31 methods that contribute to an authentic and free life. Now I can tell my own story. The festivals, lost friendships, alcohol and drugs, fights that got out of hand, ex-girlfriends. The story of how I lost myself in a life full of parties and festivals and how I managed to find myself again completely. It promises to be a beautiful journey, certainly for me too. It also feels like healing to me. Daring to look at the past, daring to be completely open about it and to process it. If the book, the story alone, contributes to my own healing then it is already a success. It also feels to me like a piece of completion of the first 28 years of my life. It could have ended differently…
The past three months it has been able to prepare itself in my subconscious. I already have the structure in my consciousness. Now it is time to start writing. To continue this adventure. I am ready 😊
Aho! 
